Lost But Not Quite Found
by Trekgirl01
Summary: Set after "Stable Changes," a look at how Carter might have dealt with the events of "Brothers and Sisters." Most definitely a Carsan.


Lost But Not Quite Found  
By Stephanie Muñoz  
  
Disclaimer: The wonderful creators of ER decided to give me all of the rights to their show, and I am making millions and millions of dollars off of this. And then I woke up and realized that I am still nothing but a poor college student who owns nothing but lots of chap stick. Oh well.  
  
Spoilers: Brothers and Sisters and the following Third Watch episode  
  
Author's Notes: Once more, set after "Stable Changes" with Carter and Susan living together in the Carter mansion. This time, I take a look at the whole Little Susie ordeal through Carter's eyes. Yet again, a Carsan story written to erase all thoughts of Carby-ness from my mind.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
I wasn't aware of how used I had gotten to not sleeping alone. For the second day in a row, I rolled over and didn't feel Susan's warm body close to mine. Sleep quickly left me as I sat up, looking over at the empty half of the bed, still tucked in, her pillow still fluffed. I sighed, realizing that she wasn't working an early or late shift, depending on how you looked at it. No, my thoughts weren't comforted by letting my groggy brain rationalize that she was at work, doing what she loves best. I felt a sudden weight in my stomach thinking about her alone in New York, looking for Little Susie.  
  
Climbing out of bed, I washed my face and brushed my teeth, knowing that I would get no more sleep tonight no matter how hard I tried. I headed downstairs, intending to make some coffee, as my mind replayed the events of the past couple days. Susan with that worried look on her face, telling me that she had to go somewhere. Telling me of Little Susie's message, I wanted nothing more to hold her and tell her that everything would be okay, but I couldn't. Before I knew it, she was gone, off to find Susie.  
  
Drinking the cup of coffee, I checked the answering machine, hoping that she had called during the night. Of course, there were no new messages and I was left to wonder and worry. Sitting outside by the pool, I put my feet in the water and watched as the sun's light started to brighten the dark night just above the horizon. I imagined Susan sitting in a hotel room, watching the sunrise with Little Susie nestled safe beside her. That's what I hoped more than anything; that they were both safe and happy.  
  
Coffee finished, I put the cup down next to me and thought about when Little Susie was a baby. Susan was so happy, acting like a mother in every aspect. Part of me hated Chloe for abandoning her baby, but another part of me hated her even more for coming back to take Susie away and turning Susan's life upside down once again. And here we all were, years later, in a similar situation; Susan's life completely rattled because of her sister. Only this time, it wasn't just Susan's life Chloe had disrupted, but mine as well, needless to say Little Susie's the most.  
  
I suddenly felt cold, thinking of a little kid, alone and lost in New York City. I prayed that Susan would find her soon, find her safe and warm, maybe bring her here.  
  
A small smile tugged at my mouth as I thought of Little Susie living with us. She would sleep in the Rose Room near ours, with the canopied bed. Gamma and Mom would love her, spoiling her rotten with new dolls and toys. They would dress her up and take her to luncheons and dinners, and Susan and I would read her bedtime stories and get up early to make her pancakes. We would get a puppy for her, a big dog, maybe an Akita or Golden Retriever. The dog would terrorize Gamma, but be Susie's best friend, and Susan and I would sit on the deck and laugh as Susie and the dog played catch.  
  
I mentally shook myself, wondering where that vision had come from. Susan and I raising Little Susie? I'll admit that it made me happy, but it was just a dream, just a fantasy, albeit a nice one.  
  
Sighing, I went back inside, realizing that it would probably never happen. Susan and I were just beginning to take the first steps toward a relationship that involved children. We weren't ready, we were both too career minded for that. A small voice in the back of my head started to nag at me, reminding me that Susan had taken care of Little Susie once before, and Mark and Elizabeth had done it, why couldn't we? I forced myself to stop thinking about that and turned on the TV.  
  
Settling on the couch, I flipped channels between early morning infomercials, CNN, and local news. I stopped when I saw a report that crime was up recently, in Chicago, St. Paul, Detroit, and New York. I could have done without that last bit. I turned the TV off and climbed up the stairs, intending to take a shower and try to not think for a while.  
  
Emerging from the shower into the cold room, I sat on the window seat and looked down at the street below. Mr. Halloway was walking his terriers and I could see Mrs. Ashton gardening across the street. Looking up at the dark clouds, I hoped that it wouldn't rain, either here or in New York. Thinking of Susie huddled somewhere trying to keep dry in the rain sent another sick feeling to my stomach. I could only imagine what Susan was feeling.  
  
I got up and dressed, deciding to go into work. I wasn't on today, but anything was better than just sitting here worrying.  
  
Entering County's ER, I immediately tried to concentrate on nothing but work. Pratt and Gallant helped me with that for a while, cutting a man's chest open without supervision. I couldn't believe that they had the arrogance to attempt that. I took out more aggression on Gallant than I should have and later felt guilty about that, but part of it was my worrying about Susan.  
  
It seemed that wherever I turned, I found no help with any of my problems. Being understaffed and overpopulated, I didn't have enough help treating all of these people. Finding out that Abby was drinking again certainly didn't help things either. Abby meant a lot to me ever since she helped me after my addiction. Although I felt purely platonic towards her, it still seemed like I owe her for helping me through a hard time in my life. I can only hope that she gets the help she needs.  
  
While I wasn't looking forward to going home to an empty bed without Susan, I didn't want to stay in the ER anymore, knowing that I would be back here tomorrow.  
  
Entering the house, I found it apparently empty. I headed upstairs, wanting nothing more than to shower and change. Pulling off my suspenders and necktie as I walked into the room, I stopped in my tracks.  
  
Susan was seated on the bed, knees up to her chest, tears flowing down her cheek. Immediately I thought the worst; Little Susie was dead or something equally horrible.  
  
"Susan, honey, what happened?" I asked, climbing in the bed next to her, gathering her up into my arms.  
  
"I found her. We found her, John. She was safe and everything," Susan began between hushed sobs. "Chloe was using again and abandoned her, just left her on the streets of New York alone, but we found her. We took Chloe into a hospital and I went to go get coffee, but when I came back, they were gone!" Susan collapsed completely into me and I brushed her hair back as she continued crying. "She signed herself out AMA, took Little Susie and left. I don't know what to do, John," she said after quieting a bit. "Chloe's using again, I should have seen it. I should have known."  
  
"No, baby, you did everything you could," I said quietly. "You found her, sweetie, that's what matters. It's gonna be okay, it will all be fine," I shushed her.  
  
"I don't know that, John," she said quietly, looking up at me. "I can never be sure with Chloe. She left her alone in New York, and we were lucky this time, but what happens next time?" she asked.  
  
"We pray. We hope and we pray that this never happens again, and in the mean time, we hold on to each other. We take strength in each other, and we pray," I said before leaning in to kiss her softly. "Why don't you go take a bath right now. I'll be right here waiting for you. Okay?"  
  
"Okay," she said, wiping away the last few tears. "John, I love you," she said, embracing me tightly.  
  
"I know, I love you too." I pulled back and looked at her, knowing that we would get through this together.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
So, what did you think? I know I've got a lot of work to do to get into the character of Carter, but it was my first try.  
Trekgirl01@aol.com  
http://members.tripod.com/trekgirl01 


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